Embrace the Joy of Healthy Detachment

See if this feels familiar. Partner is upset when he or she walks into the room.  You know this because you have trained yourself to identify the nuances of every mood. You take responsibility for managing negative emotions and moods of the other. You ask, “What’s wrong?” Response, “Nothing.” You try again, “Are you sure nothing is wrong?” Response, “Yes, nothing.” This goes on for a while. You know better. Something is wrong and you will dance and ask and dance and ask until you are both worn out.

Healthy detachment sounds a bit like an oxymoron, right? It is not. It does not involve cutting off or building walls. In fact, healthy detachment is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and others in your life. In her groundbreaking book, Codependent No More (1986), Melody Beattie referred to this as ‘detachment with love’.

Healthy detachment is an escape route from codependence and anxious attachment. It helps us stop living in a state of reactivity. We achieve what I refer to as a Zen state of detachment. We stop dancing around others’ moods, insecurities, addictions, etc.

People with anxious attachment fear others do not desire relationship as much as they do. An anxiously attached person places less value on self than the other. Projecting this, they fear the other does not value them. They become emotionally dependent and reactive. The anxiousness can only be relieved when the other appears approving and tightly bound to them.

Healthy detachment alters the scenario. Upset partner walks into the room. “Something wrong?” The response is “No”. You follow up with “Okay, let me know if you want to talk about anything.” This takes a lot of pressure off both. Eventually the dance changes and the partner understands you are not going to continue to ask. Therefore, they will often begin to answer honestly the first time.

Moving from an unhealthy attachment to healthy detachment takes effort. I always feel blessed when walking with clients on this journey. There is a calm that comes with regaining our power as we detach with love. Space now exists for deeper emotional intimacy to replace the reactivity and the ‘chase’.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, I would like to help.

“But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. 
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” KhalilGibran